Yes, you read the title correctly. I had a moment, a very long moment (2 years), where I truly believed that God did not call me to marry. See I thought what some of you may think now or use to think, because I didn’t see what I desired or deserved, I thought that God just didn’t have me on His mind when it came to a husband. See I knew God called me to be a bride, wife and mother one day, but because I didn’t see it, I suppressed my own desire to be married and blamed it on God. I buried my hope in doubt and let my former insecurities from past heart-break resurrect and grow. This left me with unhealthy focus and ambition in my work (at the time, working in corporate) to drown out the screaming of my bleeding heart (the story gets better, no worries, it’s not all gloom and doom). I was THAT woman. You know the woman that worked, worked and worked, to distract her from the troubles at home or in her mind. I was making money and taking care of myself, see I didn’t need a man. I had a plan to just be that woman who was very successful and took care of everyone else’s children. I had in my mind to be groomed to become that black stereotype “auntie” who had the money, nice car, big house and dream career but no man (or dysfunctional relationships) – an original Mary Jane re-run.
Then it didn’t make things any better as I am going through this private battle, that I kept on getting asked by family members….
“Janay are you dating anyone?”
“Janay, I hope you’re not getting distracted with no boy?” (Usually from an older family member who still underestimated Holy Spirit in me to let another distraction enter into my life)
All the questions about me dating, ended with my abrupt answer, NO! I AM NOT SEEING ANYONE, I AM ABOUT THIS PAPER AND MY CAREER!
I literally convinced myself that this was what I wanted. WHAT LIES!!! I forced myself to gag at every wedding show and Gerber baby commercial (I loved kids, I just didn’t think I would have my own). I just didn’t see WHEN or even IF God was going to allow a man to find me considering my then circumstances (at this time, I was unaware that I had a lot of deliverance to go through, I wasn’t prepared for marriage at all). I knew I was beautiful, smart, funny, supportive amongst other great qualities, but NO ONE, NO ONE, NO OONNNEEEEEEE (In my Alicia Keys Voice) was checking for me!
HERE’S THE CLIMAX!
I abhorred being hidden and at that moment, I didn’t even know what that meant!
Where did this discouragement come from?
Why did I believe it?
And how did I recover from this mindset?
This discouragement was rooted in my impatience to hurry and have Prince Charming find me and run to the altar. I had my plan for my life and my own timeline (I told you I had unhealthy drive). I was going to be married by 23 (Well, that was a dumb projection) have my first child by 25 (And I praise the Lord’s MIGHTY name He said otherwise) and my second before I was 30. This was my “perfect” life. When my first heartbreak happened, my timeline, my projections and my desires for that relationship to fulfill my insecure needs, were shattered! I didn’t want to wait to be repaired, refocused and prepared for what God had next for me. I knew God could restore the years, I just didn’t want to wait for that to happen, so I gave up on hope.
I believed this discouragement because of my past. My past relationship and my past in general. My last relationship was not God-ordained and was out of the will of God. So the insecurities, false identity, rejection, fears, idolatry, disobedience and lust that I already acquired from open demonic doors and bloodline curses were heightened and exaggerated. The rejection and low self esteem I acquired from that experience fed the hopelessness of my desire to get married. Because I had such a strong soul tie, I didn’t believe I could get better. I literally thought, no one else could love me or know me like that person (girl please, get a grip that wasn’t even love). No one would be able to accept the real me, baggage and all, like that person (girl please, I didn’t accept the real me!).
My past mistake in dating the wrong one, kept me stale in my mind and a playground for discouragement.
My future is how I recovered. I can’t exactly pin-point the exact moment when God revealed to me my future, but when it did happen, a literal light bulb went off in my head. See my future wasn’t a man, but it was ME! God literally showed me, myself in the future! She wasn’t a work-a-holic, but a business woman in purpose. She was fearless, confident, gorgeous and would use the God-given gifts inside of her to literally set other women free when she spoke! She was a leader, innovator and had no bitterness, eagerness or hate in her heart. That woman God showed me was a glimpse of who God wanted me to be. God showed me, my future self first and then revealed to me that He did desire for me to get married.
MY FUTURE is what transformed me out of this discouragement sent from hell. I had the desire to marry and God placed this desire in me for His glory. Discouragement tried to settle in to get me to forfeit a powerful union that would wreck this world for God’s glory.
Discouragement will try to use time and your past to hinder you from God’s vision for your life!
This is why the LIVE E-BOOK Carry On was created! No more are we going to let discouragement convince us to quit what God has called us to start and finish! Learn more about discouragement and download the guide on how to defeat it with this biblical strategy! With the LIVE E-BOOK you just click, download, watch and listen to me read and encourage you! It’s that simple.